One of the things I love about Nonviolent Communication, developed by Marshall Rosenberg, is that the focus on empathic presence supports people to connect deeply. And one of the things I love about coaching is that the process of asking questions empowers people. Put the two together and the process becomes transformational. At Leadership that Works, in the coaching for transformation program, we train coaches to use both methods.

Supportive: Coach does more of the work

I sense that you feel discouraged because you need progress. Does that resonate with you?

Do you want to focus on x or y...

What will you do? When will you do it? How will I know?

Would you like to explore your disappointment or your hunger?

Here’s a challenge for you...

My intuition tells me ...

I appreciate you because you contribute to my...

Empowering: Client does more of the work

What do you feel and need right now?

Where would you like to focus?

How would you like to take responsibility?

I don’t know where to go with this – what does your gut say?

What’s the challenge you’d like to give yourself?

What does your intuition tell you?

What do you appreciate about yourself?

In the table above, the columns represent supportive and empowering options. Although the right side of the chart offers more empowering interventions, the left side can be equally fruitful. The more the coach models each skill, the easier it is for people to do it themselves. Early in the work with new clients, we spend more time in the left column, but as people evolve and take responsibility for their inner and outer work, we acknowledge their increased capacity by shifting to the right.

So one of the questions that arises is, “What data do we use to intuit when to shift from support to empowerment?” This isn’t just a rhetorical question – but the answers are a bit elusive. The danger is that, in our desire to contribute, we stay in the supportive zone far longer than is productive. The other possibility is that we move too quickly to empowerment before the client has the self-connection, comfort, or skill level. Ultimately we want people to make their own meaning when we offer observations. Instead of asking suggestive questions, or questions we think we know the answer to, sharing observations can help people explore their inner world and determine where to point their toes.

When people are in a curious state rather than a judgmental state, or if they are highly aware of their needs, or at least have access to them, that’s a great time to ask them to identify their feelings, needs, and requests for themselves. My experience is that people need a lot of help with self-empathy because they habitually think about strategy before getting clear about what they really need. When people are disconnected or unaware of their needs, we can help them reconnect before asking them to explore their creativity. Applying that to myself, if I’m coaching someone who says she wants to make a living playing poker and I’m triggered because a dear friend is addicted to gambling, I have several choices. If I’m not self-connected and can’t stop thinking, “You idiot. How will you ever be able to support your family?” that’s a signal that I need to get empathy from someone else. But if I am more aware, I can self-empathize right then and there – I’m alarmed because I want to contribute to my client’s well being and support her in creating a meaningful life. From this nonjudgmental, self-connected place, I can get curious about her values, what needs she’s hoping to meet by becoming a professional poker player, and support her in developing her own self-awareness.

Martha Lasley is a founder of Leadership that Works, home of the Coaching for Transformation program that offers an ICF accredited coach training certification geared toward supporting nonprofit leaders and social change activists. As a certified trainer in Nonviolent Communication, Martha and her team at LeadershipthatWorks.com offer programs in New York, San Francisco and Toronto. You can read more about these topics in her book, Facilitating with Heart.

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