I’ve heard many people say that empathy is not about the words, but I do not completely trust this claim. I’ve seen hundreds of references to Mehrabian’s experiments with communication (of feelings and attitudes) is only 7% words, 38% tone, and 55% body language. But I find words incredibly soothing and connecting. When I introduced empathy practice to a group of social workers in the slums of Mumbai, half of whom were transgenders (people whose gender identity does not mesh with their assigned gender at birth), I experienced the power of empathy without words. In India, hijras (transgenders) are paid to dance and sing at birth ceremonies and bless the bride and groom at weddings.

But public violence against hijras is brutal and they face extreme discrimination. Taken from their birth families at a young age, they join a hijra family which usually consists of a guru and five or more chelas (students) who assume the surname of the guru. What little income they make goes to the guru , who manages the household. Because so little else is available to them, 95% of transgenders in Mumbai work in the sex industry and about half are HIV positive. If they undergo a sex change, which is rare, anesthesia is rarely an option, and then they spend ten days alone in a room without food. If they survive, they are considered one of the chosen and are revered.

Out of 20 people in the room, there were 16 different mother tongues, so I had a translator on each side whispering in my ear the whole time, which felt incredibly sweet. Whatever incentive I had to learn Hindi was completely destroyed. On the second day, the group was working in pairs, when two people felt triggered about their beliefs regarding how transgenders should dress.

Since neither of them spoke English, Shridhar Kshirsagar (my co-facilitator and translator) worked with the woman in jeans and I got to work with the woman in a sari. She poured her heart out, her body glistening with tears and sweat. When she paused, I reflected back my own feelings and compassion for her, “I don’t know what you’re saying; I just know you’re suffering and you want some relief and understanding.” Back and forth we went, me aching to reach out to her, and her craving to be understood. After about 20 minutes, she sighed deeply and seemed to shift. When we debriefed in the large group we both shared (through translators) what a moving experience it was for each of us, even though we didn’t understand a word.

Martha Lasley is a founder of Leadership that Works, home of the Coaching for Transformation program that offers an ICF accredited coach training certification geared toward

supporting nonprofit training and social change activists. As a certified trainer in Nonviolent Communication, Martha and her team at http://www.leadershipthatworks.com/ offer programs in New York, San Francisco and Toronto. You can read more about these topics in her book, http://www.amazon.com/Facilitating-Heart-Martha-Lasley/dp/055714597X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1296137239&sr=8-1